Today I want to address a topic that has been brought up in many conversations with my friends and family, and touch on specific questions I have received as well. I hope this helps.
As we all know, we meet different people in our lives, some positive and some negative. Most of the time, that’s all fine, but every now and again we encounter someone “difficult” or maybe even “toxic”. This happens to everyone. These people can make us feel things we had not before or even worse: trigger things we have worked or are working very hard to overcome. But that’s the nature of the game. Let me explain.
No one is perfect.
The saying we hear all the time and that has lost its meaning to many. Well, it’s true. More to the point, no one is just fine all the time. No one just breezes through life feeling nothing and reacting to nothing and worrying about nothing and so on. I don’t care how much some people may lie and deny, one thing that ties us all together is our faithful reality: we are human. We are human doing the best we can at being human. We are “humaning”. Yes, I know, turning nouns in to verbs is annoying but I will do it. We are all humaning. So let’s not immediately jump to the part where we say “I send love and light” or “I just don’t care” because it doesn’t exactly work like that. Getting to points of genuinely and wholeheartedly sending love and light does not come over night, especially with difficult people. And “not caring” is not a thing. I’m sorry, but we are social beings and of course we care! Even being so adamant about not caring, is a form of caring. And that is a good thing. That means you are alive and love is inside you. It’s not whether or not we care that matters. It’s HOW, WHY, and WHAT we do about it.
“The power of three will set you free”. For you Charmed fans out there. I was (am) a big fan, so here are my magical 3!
- Caring just means there is love inside you (How you care – Identifying)
We care. That’s what we do. Some care less than others but no one does and feels the same way so don’t worry about that. The point of relativism is that there is something that exists. Something that creates meaning and it varies from one person to another, and in this case it’s called caring. There are many examples of caring. Taking into account this particular topic, consider a difficult person. You care that they are being difficult because it hurts. You care because the love inside of you is being challenged and you want to defend and protect yourself but you don’t know how and it doesn’t feel very good. This is HOW the feeling occurs. Before you move on, sit with that. Sit with the feeling that comes alive when you think of this. What do you feel? Anger, sadness, helplessness, insecurity, what? Do you care what the person is thinking of you when they make you feel this way? Is it that they think they can do this that annoys you? Do you wish you could reason with them and show them that you do not want to fight but that you will not let this go on? Do you think it’s worth it? Where is the divide inside you? That separation, that tension, that challenge, is the point of change and growth. That resistance can be compared to stretching your muscles and everything that it involves. All the parts of your mind and body that are involved and influenced when stretching. Change is never easy, but it brings you to the splits, 10 pirouettes, a deeper downward dog, a headstand, your complete body fold and you can feel your face against your straight knees as you wrap your arms around your legs… That point is the HOW, and that HOW is what is defining.
2. What is your goal? (Why you care – Investigating with kindness)
Important to remember here is the goal. What is your goal? The only way you can figure that out is to know how you are feeling. How are you caring? You know you care because you are feeling things. So now, let go. Those feelings are not you. Those feelings are not who you are. Repeat. Those feelings are not you. Those feelings are not who you are.
Now. Why did they trick you into thinking they were? Why did you identify with them? Why did you feel the way you felt and why did it bring up such intense negative energy? You’re allowed to feel this way. You have reasons for feeling this way. What are they? What was triggered inside you? Answering “the person was mean” is a start but not exactly what will break us through to the next step. So is this suddenly becoming more about you and how you can learn and grow? Or, is it still about said person? Take a deep breath. Exhale your fears. You are safe to explore all of this.
The answer is usually that it is about you. It is your life, your existence, and your situation. Why do you have this to learn? Why is this part of your story? You’ll notice we often go through similar things as humans. That’s because we all have a lot of similar things to learn. In fact, if we focused more on what we have in common than what sets us apart, we would have more compassion for one another. We would judge less. I reckon we would support each other more. We would create safer spaces around us. We would truly send love and light because we know full well the feeling of needing it to be sent to us. We would connect to each other and come to such conclusions rather than create distance and be selfish with the abundance of love and light that fills our world. We rather speak about love and light frivolously than actually feel and multiply it inside our hearts and give it out kindly.
But you can start. You can look inside yourself and think: “Right. I am not going to do the same thing. I am going to learn from this. I am going to learn that this is another unfortunate reality of life and I will not treat it differently. I have gotten through the others and I am stronger and wiser. I will get through this one and be stronger and wiser.
3. Let go and respond rather than clinging and reacting (What you will do – choosing a path)
Now it is time to take another deep breath. One more. And another for good luck. 🙂
This is a tricky step. First of all, let go of it all. That is super important. Bring it to your sight rather than feeling through every fibre of your being. Look at all of this in front of you. Visualise it, its colours, the waves, the patterns, the energy. See how small it is? See how you have managed to harness all that energy? That is the power of your mind. Now take another deep inhalation and exhalation. So now, what will you do? Does the situation merit a dynamic shift? In other words, do you feel it important and necessary to address the conflict and insure that there be serious changes in a given narrative and dynamic? Or, do you feel it is not worth it, that it would be a waste of time and energy? I often find that in the end I just do not take it on. I look at it rationally and with love (for myself and others) and I decide: “you know what? I could say or do this and the consequences would be more negative than positive and right now they are positive only. I am not getting involved in this toxic dynamic, I am sending love because I feel love and I mean no harm, and I send light because it protects me and it allows me to truly feel the compassion, on a human to human level with this person. Anything more than that at this point is not part of my story.
Other times you may feel that there is more to be done. I have addressed several situations directly and it was necessary. Sometimes they were reactions, other times they were responses instead. Both happened, and to be fair, they needed to. I’m not perfect but both types were definitely necessary. Especially with family issues, or topics that are long term or that you feel you need to get through in order to maintain a healthy relationship. However, even with these, you can only do so much. If you are the only one doing and feeling all this, then your results are limited to you. In which case, it may be better to keep it simple. Either way, the mentioned steps should be taken because you cannot give anything you do not have and even if you address something with the person in questions, the first steps have to be there and the last one should remain sending positive things to the universe and those you share it with.
*For more posts about multiplying and sharing positive energies in the universe and with those who share it with us, click here (coming up).
I could go on for days with this topic. Well, I could go on for days with most topics but this one is rather complex and personal. I do not claim to have THE way to handle things, it is just a way and I have found it to be quite beneficial and it has provided me with a great deal of peace so I felt it was worth sharing.
For more detailed conversations about your personal experiences, please contact me directly and it would be my pleasure to chat with you. 🙂
Thank you kindly for reading!