Welcome to another belated edition of Storybook: Real Talk Tuesday!
Ah yes… That time has come. I’m writing about social media. It happens to the best of us, eh?
I’ve had two Instagram accounts: this one and one when I moved out during uni. I had the first one for about two years and I’ve had this one for nearly new years.
Last time, I deleted my account when I got back from Asia and had become somewhat of a minimalist and rejected everything “extra”. Now, I am going through a new thing where I find Instagram so “fast”. It’s so quick and intense and moments are shown, judged, and gone faster than the memory has time to have it’s effect on me. It’s as though as soon as it goes away from me and into the public, it’s in another world. A world that isn’t entirely safe anymore. A space where it’s no longer about me and my experience but about a new experience outside of its meaning and I’m merely along for the ride. But it’s my moment! My memory! Does this sound crazy?
Don’t get me wrong, I love to share the moments and it’s so fun to create my insta page and all that. I just don’t always like what it becomes. I’m not blaming anyone or anything and I’m not even upset about it, I just feel weird and it’s surely more about me than anyone else so I sit with it. Now I’m writing about it.
I really enjoy going through my feed and seeing all the beautiful things everyone is posting and seeing how excited and proud people are to share. They shed their fears and inhibitions to express themselves and present their lives, their story, their narrative. It’s great! But what if my story has changed and my narrative has shifted and I don’t have the desire to share my life in the same way? Am I being too sensitive? Should I just keep sharing if I want to? It’s harmless after all…
When I was in Montreal last month, every time I met up with my friends and had hours of lovely chats I just felt that they were so valuable. Time spent with family was as well. Life was happening and things were in the works and suddenly I didn’t want to share because it was irrelevant. So, is that was I was doing before? Trying to be relevant? Why did I not feel relevant in my own right? For me, I think it may have been that with all the big things happening, I lost touch with certain aspects of myself and in order to ground myself or root myself I started creating social media networks rather than my emotional and spiritual ones. I had spent several years without any social media and had discovered such peace. Suddenly, I joined Facebook and Instagram (though I had had Facebook in High School and early College years). When I went to Asia and deleted my account upon arrival to Canada, I think it’s because Asia had help me ground. Then I felt myself getting caught up in that reality again and it subtly but swiftly carried be away once more and I think a large part of it was actually quite necessary and beneficial. However, I believe I have found my balance after swinging to extremes all the while navigating through life, and my conclusion is: I exist better in private.
Even though a lot of it is fun and I do love making pictures look pretty, editing them, choosing which I will put next, and seeing the feedback they bring. And even though being reached out to and asked to become a brand ambassador was so flattering and quite frankly more meaningful to me than it should have been because I felt my page may have spoken to someone. And even though it was nice to see the moments and phases of my life line up and fit so perfectly, as I felt they had in reality when all was said and done. That is only one story. It is only one of my art pieces. One of my many phases. One square inside of lifetime of squares. I can make other things look pretty and lovely! I can make my life meaningful and subsequently my memories will be and my hindsight will be 20/20 and nothing will flee, except maybe time, the thief, but at least I won’t be the thief. I will not take moments from outside my heart and limit them to the confinements that have challenged me before. I have always been a free spirit and have always thought outside the box and lived my life outside the limits I had once thoughts to be my guiding path. I had always designed and curated my own life.
Sometimes, I look at my Instagram, and though I do find it aesthetically pleasing (my opinion), it makes me feel limited and as though the image is untrue. It’s supposed to represent me, right? Well, I’m not a square kind of girl and I’m not a live in structure spirit either. This is not to say that people with Instagram and who enjoy it are anything less than I am. Nor does it mean that they are not free spirits and adventure seekers and self-made dream chasers. In fact, (and without trying to re-fence), one of my best friends is an Insta Queen and she is an inspiration in the way that she owns it and shares nothing but everything and still lives a larger than life existence and is herself even more beautiful and grand. I am simply stating that, for me, in my life, I much rather show what does not appear in the squares. I want to share my thoughts and feelings with you on this blog, for instance. I want to see if any of the nonsense I go on about speaks to any of you or inspires even the little voice inside you. I care too much. I want to share too much. So I will find my outlet and my voice. Some will be my own and other will be to share. Unlike my friend, I don’t manage those things easily and presentation fluidity does not come as easily to me. I’m intense. I know that. For this reason, I require different channels to be beneficial to myself and thus stand a chance at being beneficial to others.
The main one I have decided to commit to is becoming a Yoga and Meditation teacher. I believe this to be one of my callings, if you will, and aside from the depth of my own practice that I am exploring, I want to share and inspire. I don’t even want to call it teaching because it doesn’t appropriately fit the privilege and honour it would be for me. The part of the word teaching that does fit this appropriately sounds far too noble for me right now. I don’t want to know more than anyone, I want to share. I want to learn from them by having them learn from me, and vice versa. When I pretend to be teaching as part of my training or when I am meditating and I imagine how I would guide others through it I start to feel immense love for these people I have no even met yet! I even started to tear the otehr day just thinking of what it would feel like to have people trust me enough to sit through one of my classes and allow me to guide them through a meditation and through the intimate intricacies of their spiritual path. I want to offer to someone else what yoga offered me. I want to offer safety and peace. I want to offer someone the tools to create that space for themselves, reside in it, grown it in, and take it with them through Everything, Everywhere.
So here is to the next combination of the four elements, cycles of the moon, and every magical power that exists that seems to be the only way to make sense of my madness.
Thank you for reading.
P.S. Here are a few more picture of an Insta-made tale. An addition to the Storybook of my Real Talk Tuesday!