Hello lovely people and happy Monday!
I hope you are all enjoying this final countdown to Christmas! Maybe some of you are already off work, perhaps you are counting down those days like I am. I am off on the 22nd, yay!
Today, I wanted to talk about a couple things, but mostly the art of delayed gratification, particularly with regards to sharing projects we are working on. I know that sounds so boring and takes away from the excitement but I’ll explain.
The second main point of my post today will be the idea of what happens when we accomplish something we thought was unattainable and then feeling as though we no longer want it as much as we did… What to do?! That will be Part II here:
When working on a project or working toward a major goal:
I always found it so exciting to share the things about which I was so excited. Especially if it had been a long time coming or if it was something I never thought I would come close to accomplishing. I’m not alone here, right? Well, I have a shift this year. It changed my perspective quite a bit. I found myself getting closer to several goals I had set and the pressure was on! At this point, I was in a high and I think, despite what I willed in my heart, some people were watching, waiting to see whether or not would “make it”. I think it became a lot for some people to handle. In all fairness, it was a lot for me to handle as well. It was almost as though I was laying low for a couple years, building a foundation quietly and suddenly, it was time for the buildings to manifest and it became stressful for me. Now, I am not saying anyone wanted to see me fail, nor am I saying that anyone cares that much about what I do everyday, however, it is only human to care, in both directions, about what is going on. Not to mention that in my family, I had always been, slightly sadly, the black sheep of sorts. I was always the free spirited, butterfly-type, baby of the family. Whilst this was cute a lot of the time, it was not always fun and it did unfortunately create a dynamic between some of my family members and me that I do not think they want disrupted. Which is fine! It is difficult to readjust in life and lose a comforting and familiar dynamic we grew to feel would always be there. But I had to grow up. I could not just stay little for ever, you know?
Let me come at this from a different angle. When I realised I was growing up, a part of me missed being the little girl that was the baby. Of course! Nevertheless, I was on my journey and most people were happy for me but I can tell it created friction with some other friends and family members. Which sucks, eh? It took me a while to get over it but I have. I realise now that it is part of life and it is not as simple as we think. It is so complex and each case is different, and most of the time it is just based on fear. Fear on both ends. Fear of losing something we knew. Fear of feeling lesser or uncomfortable. Our relations to each other as humans are vital to us, and if we get comfortable in something or if we are not mindful in their evolution, we either miss out, or become bitter because it has changed without us noticing. Often, that is the bigger trigger than jealousy or spite. Now, jealous and spite definitely play a strong role in the human psyche, but once again, it is more complicated than that. Let’s leave that for another day, because I am going to glaze over the topic haphazardly and express the wrong things and be misunderstood in my true intentions and feelings. The point here is that sometimes, it is better to share things after the fact.
With some people, I find myself safe to share all the stages of my projects. With others, I feel it is best to avoid getting into too much detail. Most of the time, I find it better to share things after the fact. I don’t know if this is a maturity thing or just the evolution of my character more deeply but I like to keep myself in a place when I control the access people have to my innermost self. I think, having grown up in a big European family, as the baby, my life always felt exposed and decided because everyone saw me through their lives rather than mine. This often happens. It is not to say that my family is bad or toxic, it is just a common manifestation in these cases. Parents as well tend to base their decision with the youngest on what they did or did not do with their eldest and so on. You often find that the younger sibling of a family will be a bit more “wild” or something like that. In fact, my parents each had two kids before they got married and had me and my brother. This makes 2+2+2 kids. Does that make sense? The youngest of each group of two has something in common and, oddly enough, we get on really well and relate quite a bit to each other. Though my brother from the marriage my parents have now (my 100% full brother) and I really do relate because we are both the youngest of lives that existed before us. Marriages that came before the one into which we were born. There is a lot to be said about that. Even though we are all get on and are really close, there are certain bonds and when I examine them a bit, I find interesting links, which is fascinating for a “psych mind” like mine 🙂 ANYWAY, I will stop straying from the premise of my post (though this does help contextualise, no?)
The point is, I find it helpful and healthier for me to withhold certain information because I want to enjoy it with myself first. I want to feel and experience the sensations and explosion of pride and accomplishment on my own. Maybe this comes from having done my own thing for so long and having been my own go-to person, that now it seems most fitting to continue on that way. Or perhaps I grew tired of having to explain myself all the time and justify my choices and explain over and over again the whys, whats, and hows of my life. In any case, I find it a fantastic way to go about it. I sort of share limited information and just say that I’m doing this and that and the other, then BOOM: oh, BTW I am proud to announce (insert here). Or, “yeah yeah so I was thinking about this and that but in the end I went with this and now I finished and accomplished this“. It is always nice for me to share it after the fact because it has been done and completed and I am sharing pure and solid. That way, when it is in the works, and I am dealing with the inevitable ups and downs, I can do so on my own. Of course, my boyfriend is always in the loop, but even with him, I like to wait because I still feel that closeness to myself that I don’t want to lose. I want to keep working on my relationship with me or having moments with myself that only I understand. Then after that, I will more than gladly share with my loved ones! But I think that sense of “my world – my bubble” is a big part of the reason why I feel this way. That may seem unhealthy to some of you. I respect that. But I think that even if I were in a situation where I would just share everything openly, and I did use to feel that way, there is still a real and true privacy that I have created in which very few people enter, if any. It can be compared to having several layers. There is my spiritual journey. No one enters that except me. Which I believe is essential in building something with yourself that is unbreakable. Then there is my emotional journey in which I let my boyfriend and closest friends (including closest family members) enter with me from time to time, when need be. Then there is the mental journey in which a few more enter and so on… Oh and of course, my boyfriend and I have our own geeky bubble, in which, out of love and considerations for our loved ones, only we enter. Like I said, you’re welcome friends and fam!
Don’t forget to check out Part II !