I hope your 2018 is wrapping up well!
I feel I must preface this post by saying I am not smack talking anyone. These are realities of life. I was having this chat with my brother last night and it became so clear to me, suddenly, that this is what I had been working through and that finally, it was time to let go, I guess. There’s no timetable for this, you simply must follow your path. You cannot move on, change, or grow as a person without going through it all. There only way out is through! Acceptance is a key part so that you then can let go.
Today, I wanted to talk about closure at the end of the year. Everything you have worked on all year feels like is culminating now and you don’t exactly know where you stand. Have you resolved what needs resolving? Are you at the beginning of something new? Does not matter…. This is closure time and closure can happen anywhere, any time.
To me, closure is looking at what you have worked through over a certain time and accepting it all; once and for all, and saying your farewell, in whatever way that may be.
The main theme of my closure was to work through and accept that we all have different scopes. We all have different “realities”. We also all have different pains and stories etc. This is what is important. Once your scope changes and grows, smaller scopes will not be able to relate or understand. For example, if your emotional, mental, and spiritual scope is 1000km, and another person is at 100km or even 100m, then don’t even try to argue or work anything out with them. They can only understand what they see, and that is a fraction of what you’re about. Unfortunately. Equally, if someone is in pain, and they live and act from places of pain, bitterness, and anger, their scope is narrow. They are closed. They have a closed heart, and thus a closed perspective and capacity to understand or realise. Do not be fooled. These people will often be very convincing of their being right and knowing. That is false confidence speaking. Confident people do not have to be so outright and hurtful. You can express yourself, state you boundaries and standards, without being like them. They will also often ignore that they are hurtful and take anything that hurts their ego as you being the hurtful one. When you see this, please understand that these are not well people. Ego is ok and manageable but people who are incorrigible like this cannot be reasoned with. Sometimes people are so stuck and convinced of whatever they had to believe in order to move forward, that it can become irrational. It’s more common than you think.
I, for example, have had many different “phases” in my life, as many of you had and everyone was necessary and beneficial. My latest phase started in 2017 when I took off to travel for a few months before moving to England. Looking back, I find that SO SO much has changed since then. There were things I never thought of then but that I think of now. Things, I have realised that make me feel as though I had been ignorant. I think I only became fully aware of some of those things now because I am where I need to be in order to deal with them.
One of my little things…
Growing up I found I had such an obsessive mind, and in fact, my cousin brought that up this year and tried to tell me I had OCD or was borderline Asperger’s. The truth is, I am neither. I simply have a very analytical and detail-oriented mind. I like to make my world what I need it to be because I am aware of the ways in which it works and the person I am, so I must harness my awareness and build a life for myself that is balanced. Of course, I am not saying I can control everything. I cannot. Nor am I saying I know anything. I have had many mishaps and some heartbreaks, and I even write about some of them on this blog. I am saying that I observe and analyse A LOT. I am also saying that for the longest time I had trouble understanding the way in which I viewed the world and always felt like an outsider of sorts. Then, in time I started to feel weird for thinking or feeling the things I did. I felt trapped. I wanted to break free. I didn’t know how to deal. Having been the youngest of 6 I was often teased and being the baby, you get the brunt of the drama as well, for better or for worse. Most of all, my siblings were great with me, I had a great old time. But I struggled a lot. I felt this need to control and make my life what I wanted it to be, because unfortunately, it was nothing with which I could identify.
In time, I realised that it was not only a family dynamic as a general social dynamic too.
One of the main things people made fun of me for was that I talked a lot. It made me feel so sad every time I would say anything. Any time someone interrupted me they would say they “had to”. In time, I realised the we are all talkative in my family. In fact, I barely stand out. I have watched hours of conversation between my mom, my dad, my siblings, and friends. I have even witnessed guests coming over and my mom completely stealing the show. I then realised that, I did not talk THAT much. Instead, two other things happened: I had been the target for projection for people who themselves felt self-conscious and, most importantly, my subject matter was not one that pleased people.
For the record, I can talk. Of course I can. I think constantly and go over things in my head incessantly; at some point it has to come out! I can talk. But I can also be very quiet. In fact, I spend most of my days working from home, studying, working on various things and enjoying my time alone. Social events actually take a lot of effort for me. They are fun but it’s a lot. I have realised that in fact, I become excessively nervous and start babbling when I am in social situations or many situations in which I do not feel comfortable. I am so used to seeing those personalities around me that I know how to be them. Also, I am confident enough and have enough thoughts in my head that I can talk when I need to (even when I don’t). I merely use what I work out in my head through my experiences and my time in life and around the world. But one thing I did realise, is that in general, I am more in my head. I simply over compensate sometimes because I am sharing or showing that I understand or trying to make someone else feel comfortable (or wtv else).
I also realised that this insecurity of mine was blown because it really affected me. Most of all, it seemed to really affect others! I always noticed that I was not the type to talk incessantly with no reason or purpose. I simply tend to think out loud sometimes…;) I then realised that maybe people just did not like what I had to say. Maybe my words did not fit what they expected of me. Maybe what I said, was too real or intense or reflected.
Did you know, that when I speak to my siblings, particularly my brothers, they talk for 2 hours and more or write really long paragraphs over text and I don’t even think twice? Did you know that no one ever told them there was something wrong? I would say that I am “less talkative” than two of my brothers, but I am still labelled otherwise in my family.
Now, this may seem like no big deal, but it shines light on a much bigger issue. This is the issues on which I had been working. The was one of the manifestations of a larger dynamic. More to the point, trying to silence someone or to speak over someone, not only in a given conversation but in life is actually wrong. But let’s not get into that right now. Basically, the last few years I have worked on breaking out of a fixed mindset that was imposed on me. I wanted to break the mould. No matter how much I had to talk or repeat myself. I was going to do it. Now look! I did it. Simple.
That’s right. For better or for worse, there was something I was supposed to fit into because of my gender, my age, my personality, and it did not work. I went against the grain and I found myself through it all. Now, I look back and it pains me slightly that some will never see me for who I truly am. They will never see the love and openness I have. They will just be upset with me because I “wronged” them. They are too caught up with themselves. They will convince themselves of this, that, and the other to re-create reality. That is ok. If I remember the pain I felt when they had a hold on me, I can only imagine that their pain must be so much worse having lead them to treat me as they did in the first place. I genuinely mean that.
On another note, did you know, that to this day, my best friends from childhood (I’m talking since we were 4 or 5 years old) don’t even think I talk a lot? I have even asked them openly based on what I have written today and they said: “Honestly, you are just you, You talk, we talk, we share. We love you.” I’m not even joking!!! My last boyfriend even told me:” I think you may be more introverted than extroverted. Either way, you are wildly misunderstood.” Don’t even get me started on my current boyfriend…
The point it, 2017 was about understanding everything and coming to terms with the truth. 2018 has been about realising what I needed to and has also been about working through everything. In fact, everything from the age of 18 was pretty much about working through everything as it came. But now, it feels like closure. It feels like a cross-over to a stable place of acceptance and gratitude.
Conclusion (and repeat these to yourself if you must):
- I am not who anyone says I am. I am who I am. People’s interpretations have NOTHING to do with my journey. They are part of the life I experience and observe over time but nothing less or more.
- You can create your own life, guys! We are all born into something, and that “something” is perpetuated and never corrected unless YOU correct it. Be the person that you want to be. Be the life that you want to live.
- Just because a few people do not agree, does not mean you are wrong. Look at your audience. How much do they have in common? How much of this is a sign that you have the wrong audience? Exactly….
- Once your scope grows and changes, other scopes do not fit the way they used to. If my scope is 100m and another scope in 10m, how are they supposed to understand what I am saying? How can they even relate? They are two different world.
- No matter what has been discussed, fear and insecurity are the reason behind people having to put you down. They felt categorised, therefore you had to be. Do not let their complex or painful dialogue be yours. Instead, feel compassion for the pain they must be feeling and send them any good you can to help them move on from a painful place.
So, you are working through it or have been working through it for a while, it does not matter. You can only do so much. Do not let yourself be limited my other people’s limits. Let this new year be the time that you take charge and realise your potential.