I read so many cool blogs on here and you all have such amazing things to share. Sometimes, I read certain posts and think “I almost want to be friends with this person now!” Lol. Maybe if I could say that it made me jealous I would not be writing this right now. But is DOES NOT make me jealous. In fact, it makes me happy and I feel inspired by the things I read and they make my want to write more. Not because I think I am better or even as good, but because they make me want to continue finding my voice.
Blogging has allowed me to express myself, share with others, and actually build parts of my life in some ways. It helped me with my business in some ways, even just helping me shape and design it. Most of it runs on word of mouth, but this blog was a great platform in that respect. I also blogged when I was travelling and it was my safe haven. Writing was something I did as a tiny person in this vast world of blogging, because I was this tiny person travelling this vast world. Somehow, I didn’t feel small when I wrote or when I travelled. I felt alive and like I belonged. I still do!
The problem is, I think, that I don’t know what I want out of these platforms anymore. I don’t necessarily want to be famous but I do think I have some valuable things to share and offer. I don’t need to be the best or beat records but I have passions to which I want to dedicate a significant part of my life. And I do. I should stop complaining right?
Honestly, today I feel torn and confused. I don’t feel particularly bad, but the feeling is not nice. I am starting to lose touch with why I started blogging in the first place. Not entirely, but enough. I remember instagram becoming so stressful for me because I didn’t want to get out there and become popular I just had content I thought was nice and I enjoyed finding like-minded people with great content! In the end, I found myself resenting it a bit because it was just too flooded with all kinds of EVERYTHING. I ultimately did find myself comparing myself at times. I found myself feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, or that whatever I was doing was not good enough. It sort of hurt my self-esteem.
I thought blogging would be more authentic. I thought it would be a better platform for me to share my ideas, maybe inspire more. I don’t want to fight or push my way anywhere. I want to just flow and exist. The last thing I want is to miss out on what I am doing but focusing on explain what I am doing. Or proving what I am doing. Equally, I want to continue to grow and share. I am lucky enough that I don’t need this in any financial way, but I want it in an emotional way I suppose. I love the things I do and I love to write about them. So what is my issue? What am I complaining about?
I guess there is always a reason to complain or want more… I don’t even know if I would be happy being some big-shot or famous person having to make sure I stay relevant all the time. Not now anyway. Between my job, my business, and my studies, I have my hands full. Nevertheless, with my existence being a non-famous one, it can feel more innocent and untouched by anything bitter or mean. I am not subject to crazy amounts of scrutiny or judgment. I get to do what I love in a safe and enjoyable way. I guess I just wish I could make more of a difference. Contribute more. Change more. But in writing this, I have realised that if I didn’t do any of this, no matter how “indie” or “quaint”, I would have no effect at all. I would have done nothing. Contributed much less. Changed a lot less. Realised my potential in these various projects a whole lot less.
So after all this, I want to thank you. Just in being able to write this, I feel that maybe that’s what it is all about in the end… Existing, being human, in whatever way that is.