Today I wanted to have some more Real Talk. This topic can be tricky because it can be easy to want to suppress nagging feelings. Maybe it’s a feeling that has your stomach in knots and you just feel icky, or ashamed, or guilty… here we go!
So let’s keep this light, in honour of taking things as they come and riding the tide…
A couple of weeks ago I was presented with some memories from my past. Shortly after writing my piece on a love from long ago, he was revealed in one of my dreams. Nothing major, just an appearance. It was troubling at first, but that is life’s funny way of telling you there is a bigger picture. The truth of the matter is, no post, no matter how genuine and representative of reality, can factor in the subtleties of life’s plan and lessons. Life did not want me to forget or think that “I was done”. Not that I felt that way, because I was sincerely just sharing a part of my life, but in hindsight, it was humbling for life to gently remind me that I only have one tapestry, and for better or for worse, everything was part of it; and it’s a pretty cute work of art so far. 😉
Like any deep pain, loss, or anything that marks your life tapestry, and from which you are transformed, there is a past and a present. There is that time when you can just FEEL the sweet release into a new phase of acceptance, living, and freedom. Then there is that time when you can talk or write about that feeling because your present is so separate from the past. Then, there are times when something comes creeping back. I don’t like to think of it as a test, as much as an opportunity to learn. In other words, it’s not something with a right or wrong answer, but rather something where you have the freedom and power to be you in all of your existence. I love those moments. They can feel weird sometimes, or scary, maybe even a bit painful. But in the end, you have to REMEMBER. Not anything in particular or in one particular direction or with some kind of bias. Just OBSERVE, FEEL, and REMEMBER, from a bird’s eye view.
It’s ok to look back. As long as that’s not the only thing you see…
Now that I think of it, I no longer feel guilty for having that day of troubling thoughts or of questioning myself because at least I was being honest with myself. In fact, I actually spoke to my boyfriend about it and explained the context and he was so understanding. He reminded me that we are all made up of bits and pieces and we have parts we have to tend to sometimes. So I use tapestry or an art work as my analogy, and he compared us humans to machinery, but hey! The man is wise nonetheless! Here’s another analogy for you. When a ballerina is doing her pirouettes, she has to spot, which means she has to find a focal point that she follows as she turns. That means she has to look back when she twirls her way through her stage. The point is, the perfect balance of forward and back is what creates the perfect balance for the most majestic dance.
In the end, it is what it is, and it felt like a nice thing to share. Every little moment and feeling has a bigger picture. Don’t forget to add some tonic to your gin, if need be. Or look back to something more beautiful, and see that looking back can be great sometimes! You can be turning to face the person with whom you are looking forward to sharing the rest of your life…
Happy and blessed living!