Today I want to talk about something very important to me. I’m not going to sit here and write some long article about how I have it all figured out. I don’t. Everything is a process and today is one day in that process. Today is an important day, because I get to make the decision to do what is best for me in my life. Let’s support each other in that, yeah?
Don’t get me wrong, I have had wonderful times with some of the people who have hurt me most! Isn’t that funny? I will never forget those amazing times and I hold them safely in my heart. I also feel nothing but love for every being who has touched my life, for better or for worse. This is because we are all learning and I know that behind the pain caused, is pain felt, and though I need not take it on in my life, I certainly will have compassion. The only way to harmony and peace is through acceptance and grace.
Most of us, if not all of us, have had to deal with a toxic personality type at one point or another. It can be really hard to identify and even harder to understand. These relationships and its effects can cause deep pain, serious damage, and actually ruin someone’s life. However, there is ALWAYS a way out, and it’s through yourself. and remember, in toxic situations, good times may have been good, and magical times may have been magical, and that is worth cherishing, but you must also focus on what was toxic, and nothing justifies abuse, and nobody deserves to be mistreated. NO EXCEPTION.
- Feel your feelings!
I cannot stress this enough. You need to feel your feelings! You need to acknowledge the pain and the hurt. You must come to terms with the disappointment and betrayal, especially if these people were close to you, or even worse, if they are family. I still find myself wandering back to pain that once was so fresh and deep for me. Just sit there, literally, and feel it all. Let it all out. Think of how each person makes you feel, think of every emotions, observe your emotional and physical symptoms, just be mindful and listen… You must absolutely let it all out! That’s the only way. Do not hide anything from yourself. Everything you feel is safe with you. Remember: you have your own world and you have your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself.
2. Speak your truth
I do not necessarily mean telling people off or making statements all the time. In fact, sometimes silence is key, and more often that not, actions speak louder than words. I know that stating your boundaries is important, and you absolutely should when you can, but that’s the problem; it is hard to do with toxic people. What I mean most of all, is speak your truth to yourself! You need to know your worth and your potential. You have to remember how far you have come and promise yourself to go further and further. Those who love and respect you with also hear your truth and they will believe it. You have nothing to prove to anyone!
3. Don’t justify yourself
I have learned that recently. It took a while, but I have really been living a life where I always work on being a better human but not for someone else or in reaction to judgment and criticism. I just want to do right by myself and those I love.
I had been conditioned partly in shame and to be self-conscious. I either talked too much, or too fast. I either didn’t stand up for myself or I was dramatic. I was either lazy and a bimbo or I over-analysed and was “OCD”. I could never win. Everyone else was allowed to manifest so many toxic energies and habits, but I could NEVER do or say the right thing. I was either too much this or not enough that. I had a family member consider if I was Autistic merely because I had a good memory growing up and still do. She also tried to tell me I had OCD and Anxiety when I opened up to her about pain I could not come to terms with in the family now that it had come to my attention. I have no such disorders. Not that there is anything shameful about them, nor would I ever be ashamed, but I am simply not, so you can understand my frustration. I was simply dealing with close-minded, judgmental, denial-bound, pain-struck, struggling souls, bless them. And I feel for them, I truly do!
I always felt embarrassed or anxious if I said or did something out of place. To this day I find myself becoming a bit nervous or self-conscious and afraid of judgment until I realise and remind myself: “Hang on! I didn’t do anything wrong! I am a good person. I can’t make everyone happy but I am who I am and I am kind. I am not perfect but I am decent and more to the point, I will not be affected by judgmental people or hateful people. I will not define myself in judgment but rather in the person I want to be and the good I want to do and have done. I don’t need to explain or justify myself to anyone!!”
I never dared diagnose them or judge them in any such way, and I have enough education and experience to back a claim or two! I just do not operate that way. I am not focused on that when I interact with people. In fact, I tend to see the best in people and hope that we can get on and just be good to each other…
4. The power of perspective and creating your own world (as opposed to living in utter denial)
When I moved away, I spent so much time going over and over everything in my head that I had not considered; it almost drove me mad. All these things I never really thought about suddenly came flooding and I had to come to terms with so much. As though that pain I had already endured was not enough… Well, it wasn’t. The reason for this is that I was merely a victim in the judgment and scrutiny that had surrounded me. The absue, narcissism, manipulations, and gossip were just there to make me create that world in which I felt protected. In that world I developed skills, dreamed my dreams, and planned my goals. I cried, laughed, failed, and accomplished. But that world was my reality and eventually it would materialise, and today, I would never be in that position again. I was never the same after that. I go back home and my relationships have changed and evolved; some for the better, some just as they have always done, and others for the worse. Not that it came as a surprise because those that went south were clearly toxic to begin with. The important thing is that I realised that I did not want to live that way. I did not want to live in denial and always rationalising what I could not face. I had never been that way and I never will be. Equally, I will no longer fight against people who are that way, which most people are unfortunately, and I will not try to make right what never will be right and never has been.
5. Look at who you are today and FEEL LOVE!
The drama I have had in my family and the pain that some of my closest relatives have caused me has had a great impact on who I am today and the decisions I have made. This is not to say that they are to blame or to thank, but thanks to those toxic dynamics, I found my true self when that was the last thing I thought would happen in those hard times. I also had a very difficult romantic relationship a few years ago. That shaped me as well. All our experiences shape us but it is important to also give credit where credit is due. TO YOU.
Now look back at all the good and the bad. See it all, feel it all! It all tangles and intertwines and seems like one big ball of memories and vibes doesn’t it? GOOD. It IS all of that. Just as you allow yourself to remember and love the beautiful times, allow yourself to cry and mourn the painful times. At the end of the day, honour yourself and take action so that tomorrow is everything you want it to be.
So go out there and live your best darn life! Live it for you and only you! Surround yourself with people who support and love you. Love and support them back! There is so much love out there, please don’t waste all the goodness and strength of which you are capable, on energies and people who only want to destroy love and joy.
Happy and blessed living all!