Hey everyone and happy Spring time!
Today, I want to pick up where I left off in my last post about healing and discuss what happens once you’re ready to move on. That sweet moment when your analysing and thinking can bring you to your very deserved place called peace. This last step deserves a whole post of its own. This last step is one that took me a couple years to reach. I hope this can inspire you!
This is not to say that once you work through something, that it’s “done” or “sorted”. It just means that you have grown at this point of your journey, and you are evolving and continuing on your journey. You are unfolding as a human, just like a flower, and renewing. This is an important distinction.
I always found Spring time to be the best time for new beginnings, growth, change, and setting new goals. I see it as the “real” new year. Flowers are blooming, the days are getting longer, the temperature is rising, and everything just feels so nice! If anything, I always found December a nice time to look back on the year, and January to be the page turner so that we can prepare for our new book that starts with the arrival of Spring. Everything leading to Spring is about setting objectives, promising yourself to do less of this and more of that, and looking back at last year and wanting this year to be better.
Spring time is when the magic happens…
Yesterday I wrote about how How to deal with and heal from toxic people and relationships…
Now, of course there is no timeline here, healing is a process, and we are always at different stages. The important thing is that no matter where you are, you can harness this time of year and maybe draw new conclusions, let go of the past and the bad, find yourself in a place a gratitude, and just feel love for yourself. Another great thing to do is to set goals and plan projects! The best thing, in my opinion, is to start anew.
For the sake of this article, we will continue on in the context on healing from a painful past. I broke it down into several mini-step, but it all exists under the one umbrella. Here it is:
Just admitting that it hurt and accepting that you care. Once you do, you are closer to a happier, more peaceful you!
Sounds simple right? It is… but it is not easy.
- Why do you care what people think?
Well first of all, we are social beings, so we naturally care to some extent or another. However, and more to the point, you certainly can care when dealing with friends and family. Of course you care! These are people you are meant to trust and for whom you care! Allow yourself to care when they hurt you.
2. Just be mindful of what you care about…
For example, if I think of the toxic people I know (or have known), it’s not really that I care what they think, because I still do what I want, but I care that they are hurtful. I care that they think it’s ok to be this way with me or that, at the very least, they don’t think it’s wrong. OR perhaps they do, but they have so little respect for themselves and me that they don’t care that it’s hurtful. THAT’s what I care about. Of course I care. I was disappointed and I felt betrayed.
3. Admit how you feel. Admit that it hurts.
This does not make you weak or pathetic, it makes your human. You are allowed to be hurt when people hurt you, especially when those people are friends or family. It does not matter if they think you are being sensitive or dramatic. Feel your feelings!! Of course it hurts! Sometimes, when I feel silly or guilty about what I feel or I try to rationalise it, I think to myself: “well of course it still hurts sometimes. These people are in my life and it sometimes pains me to think that we got on so well once, and now it’s gone south.”
4. Come at it from a different angle
I then shift my attention and remember my current reality. If you keep looking back at better times that you wish were still here today, your view of the present will automatically be negative. Come at it from a different angle. Observe how better off you are now that you have seen what they were capable of doing. Find relief in the fact that these relationships were toxic for a reason and you have made the conscious decision to respect yourself and do right by yourself. Remember the pain? Yeah? Do you want to go there again? No you don’t. No person deserve to be mistreated. Nothing is worth that.
5. Handle the rejection by realising who you are
Often in toxic relationships, we are criticised, manipulated, made to feel guilty, belittled, and the list goes on. Often, we seek the approval of the toxic person especially if we were conditioned from young and just want everything to be ok again. We tend to put ourselves down so as to not impose. We feel rejected by these people when we try to speak our truth or when we become something different (and often better) than they wanted us to be. Well, you are NOT being rejected. Toxic people want to have a hold on you and when they don’t, they make you feel like crap, and act as though you are the problem. They are threatened. They are not rejecting you, they are pouting because in their minds, YOU rejected THEM. In a way, you did. You rejected their behaviour and their toxic ways. You chose yourself, and you chose to be good. Being good is not only about how we are with others, it’s about how we are with ourselves as well. Remember, you can only offer what you possess.
6. Identify your MO
For example, I tend to analyse and examine a whole lot. It’s just naturally what I have always done. Especially with people, relationships, conflicts, just in general. It’s partly what has made me do well in academia, my jobs, and in business. It must be working! 🙂 But the point is, I always weigh various options, research tirelessly, cross-reference, conjecture, and do it all over again until I feel I have done my due diligence. I am not satisfied with rationalising and I am completely opposed to living in denial. I want to understand my interactions, surroundings, decisions, patterns, and I want to understand the people in my life. When things go wrong, I want to understand. When I was finally faced with harsh realities in my family once I moved away, I thought about it all the time! I remember travelling and experience some of the best times of my life and that’s when nearly everything hit me! Being free and far away, globe trotting, I guess, was exactly what I needed! By the time I moved to England, I had so much to work through. It was an emotional time. But with all that came great realisation! All my analysing was going to eventually lead to the understanding for which I was searching.
7. You have been analytical, you have investigated, and researched; now take action, grieve, be proactive…just don’t be afraid!
I find it quite easy to be proactive in my life. I am always doing something, working on a project, keeping my mind busy, working out, and even finding time to meditate daily so I maintain a certain internal balance. Yet, why have I struggled so much with this drama? Why had I grown almost obsessed with examining this? Here is my conclusion:
I couldn’t accept it because I was not admitting it. I spent so much time asking myself why they were like this, why they were saying/doing that, what I had to say/do to make them understand, and how I could make this better with them, rather than realising how hurt I had been. It was not as obvious for a long time. It’s not like with my big break-up where the pain just slapped me in the face. Heck, even that one was proceeded by a five-year rollercoaster that provided me with ample opportunity for analysis and grief.
8. Free yourself, and allow yourself to reside in peace
Eventually, I moved on. I had done all the work and one day, I was free. I was no longer in pain. The difference here with this family drama is that it had been building for over 2 decades. I did therapy in college and that, along with yoga and meditation, completely changed my life. It equipped me for hat was ahead. Once I moved away, I knew things were going to change and I had to do what was necessary to find peace. And I did.
I found peace. Being able to talk about all this today does not mean that I am not still a bit sad or disappointed when I look at the unfortunate things that have happened, nor am I obsessed. It just means that I’m accepting it and not identifying with it. It demonstrates that I care and that because I care, I needed time to make sense of all this and heal. I am not dismissing anyone or anything, but my perspective has changed. It is less about attempting to understand what had once been my reality versus what it is now, and more about realising that it has always been my reality, I am just fully aware of it now and yeah, I understand it. I am not saying that my way is the best way, but it was best for me.
I hope this inspired you, if not, you are reading this because you made it through this post, so thank you! 😉
Happy and blessed living!