It’s a beautiful day, but I feel blue…
Honestly, you guys. I’m feeling so sorry for myself today. I feel like I’m failing or something. Feeling like I’m not doing enough or being proactive enough. I feel tired. I didn’t sleep well at all this night and I have ten hours of Yoga training today. My mind keeps going to how tired I’m going to be. The air is crisp enough, it still being early in the morning, so it’s keeping my chin up. But I know that once I get into the studio, I’m going to feel how tired I am.
It’s so easy to feel the pressure of having to constantly feel good. Especially in my line of work. I should always be keen to do hours of yoga, right? I help people. I should be ready. I should be in check. Who will trust me if I’m emotional one day? Well, I’m human. I’m in check when it comes to my work. But I’m also natural. Especially with yoga and meditation. Most of all, with people around me. Even though I wasn’t raised that way. Or rather, we expressed everything, even misdirecting feelings, and then blame and judgment were placed left and right. Yeah, we laugh about it and chuck it up to being Mediterranean, but the reality is, the guilt is there. I never responded well to that because I knew exactly what I was feeling and I was not afraid to feel it. You know what else I feel though? Other people’s feelings. Too much, in fact. I still struggle with that. Again, not in my work, but in the more complicated relationships in my life. And I have a couple…;)
Yesterday was a rainy day. A much needed rainy day. It was following a heavy emotional drain from the day before. You know when you open up too much? You give too much up. You let too much in. Suddenly you feel foolish, embarrassed, and anxious? Like you gave up a part of yourself because it seemed harmless in the moment. What can a conversation do? What harm can being open do?
Now I am suffering the consequences. My body is feeling the drain. My soul is feeling the loss of a part of itself. It’s residing where I left it. I’m bringing it back with every pull I can manage. I’m trying to stay true to myself and remember that it’s ok to be open! It’s ok to not always feel 100%. It’s perfectly important to not always feel 100%. I know that. I know.
But what I don’t know is when I will be back. Maybe after writing this. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe after my much needed holiday for which Tomas and I leave on Wednesday.
Maybe I’m already here. Maybe I don’t recognize this part of myself. Maybe when I cried last night and hugged myself and reminded myself that I was ok, I was welcoming my soul back home.
So why this feeling? Perhaps the emotions that relief brings. What don’t I recognize then? Maybe I don’t recognise the part of me that opens up no matter what. As in, I’m always myself and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I do not speak ill of others, I have nothing to hide, and I just share. No matter who the audience is or what the audience will make of what I say. Have I perhaps stopped allowing my conditioning to take over? Have I perhaps reconditioned myself?
To be honest, it feels like I have broken free from what I have always known or feared the reaction of certain people to be. I know I have detached from that. So why the tears this time? It’s as though this new found way of mine is confirmation that a case is closed and it was never going to get better. I had to move on. And there is a grieving process.
I suppose, in a way, that’s what I do with you guys. I want to be myself. I expose myself regularly on Instagram, this blog, and now my Podcast. So, I guess today, I want to say thank you to you guys and this world for holding this space in which I can express myself. A space where I can feel gratitude for everything in my life.
Last night, I got home and jumped on my boyfriend. I missed him. I needed him. I even cried. Bless this man. He holds so much space for me too. Allowing me to always be myself. His love is so huge and pure. It’s like it heals me. He knows I tend to get hurt and that I take on too much. He also knows I can heal myself. He has seen me do it. But I feel like his love gives me super powers. He gave me a second chance at life. Now I know what real love is. I know how I love him and that it’s also massive and pure.
But here I am, on the train, on my way to the studio, and I’m alone. I know I’m safe. But I feel a bit drained. In this moment that’s how I feel. I feel guilty for having moved on. I feel guilty for not taking on all the feelings of those who expect me to. It doesn’t matter that I have the right to. I sometimes find myself feeling like I need to wash someone off me. Yesterday, the rain washed that person and that exchange off me. Today I accept. With humility.
It’s not always easy to see how much dynamics and relationships transform once you have.
Happy and Blessed living!